How God Answers My Fear of Time

My sister has this tradition. 

 Maybe she doesn't even realize.

 But every year on my birthday, she asks me, "How does it feel, this new age?"

 And every year on my birthday I tell her,

 "It feels strange."

 "It feels the same," or,

 "I feel old."

 This year, when she asks, I text her in the darkness of my room. 

 I tell her, "There was so much I wanted to accomplish by 25. I wanted to confidently put on my make-up and know I did it right. I wanted to have finished writing a book. I wanted to be married."

 Singleness is harder on my birthday. 

 Each new age brings feelings of inadequacy and failure as a woman unwanted by men. Still. 

 Each new age makes me older, pushing me closer and closer to an age where I won't be able to have children.

 I used to laugh at the phrase "my biological clock is ticking." Laugh like the fourteen year old I was who felt young and innocent and slender but full of possibilities that I was confident would not pass me by.

 But I'm 25 now. 

 25 and pulsing with an energy that can only live inside of me- dormant and hopeful, but also with a ticking I can now hear.

 The ticking is fear. 

 And the ticking is real, despite the fact that 25 is still young. 

 It is slow. It is quiet. But it is steady. And it is there. 

 I don't want children at 25. But I want to know that I will have them someday.

 Childbirth scares me. The pain, the needles, the loss of my body.

 But I want children. To hold a newborn and know that child came from me and the man I love and that this little one is mine. To hear the sweetness of being called, "Mama". To do what my body was made to do.

 And I want people to understand that telling me "You're still young" isn't helpful.

 They may be technically right. They may see my feelings dripping into an ocean of pity and narcissism. 

 But it's still not what I need to hear. 

 Because I am a new 25 year old coming to grips with the fact that I may never have children.

 Because when people say, "You're still young", it is like they are saying that they know God will give me children someday when they really can't know that. 

 It is like they are telling me to just get over it when it is something I will potentially have to mourn again and again.

 This is no excuse for a pity party to wallow in my misery. 

 But would you tell the woman whose mother just died that time will heal all wounds? It won't heal that one. Not completely. Not on this earth.

 Would you tell the woman struggling with infertility that she should just adopt? Maybe God will use adoption in this woman's life to make her a mother. Maybe that is a discussion for later. But not when that woman is still in mourning, when she discovers she can't have biological children. 

 So what do you say? What do I need to hear?

 That you love me. That you are grieving and praying with me. That you will let me grieve this at times. That you will help me fight for joy and focus on all of the amazing things God has given me and all of the spiritual children I can have. And all of the babies at church I can hold.

 But also this, these words of wisdom found unexpectedly in a spoken work poem.

 "I will no longer get weighted 

down from so called friends and family 

talks about the concern of my biological clock when I serve the Author of Time." 

 That is what I need to hear. 

 It is not an empty promise from a human being who is not God promising that what I so desire will come to pass.

 It is not dismissing my very real feelings.

 It is not letting me drown in my melancholy. 

 Instead it is validating and acknowledging how I feel while also putting my fears in their place before a Holy God. 

 So young women in our mid twenties. Say this with me. Listen to this poet who so eloquently says what I cannot. 

 Let us not freak out about the passing of time. Let us not worry about whether we will ever have our own children. For the very God who made us to bare children and the very God who made time is in control of our lives and silences us. And He does not silence us with a rod, cruel laughter, or by mocking our feelings. Instead he silences us with a kiss and a gentle voice that simply says, "Look at me."

Listen To This When Your Singleness Is Hard

 My single ladies, please, stop whatever you are doing and listen to this audio clip of the Ask Pastor John podcast. 

 It has been a game changer for me as I try to live my singleness well. I can't listen to this and not cry. 

 I have heard aspects of this message before, but never all together and so fully explained and thought out. We live in a world and culture that magnifies sex, sexual fulfillment, and relationships. As believers we know that Jesus is our hope and not any other relationship, and we trust that God is still good in withholding romantic love from us. But still we want it. And still the world, and often believers, too, tell us something is wrong with us, elevating marriage or being in a relationship. Certainly everyone around us is married or in a relationship. And it is hard to keep destroying the lies that are hurled at us. 

 Sisters, Jesus remained single His entire life on earth. He was never sexually or romantically fulfilled. And He was no less of a man. Let us take comfort in that.

 So please listen to this. Listen to it again. Listen to it a month from now or whenever your singleness is hard to take. 

Book Review: One By One, Welcoming the Singles in Your Church

Overview 

 There are many books about living life as a single Christian, but none about singles in the church. That is until Gina Dalfonzo brings to light the unique plights of singles who feel left out in family oriented churches and what churches can do to welcome single people.  



What I Liked

 I love and am thankful for the topic of this book. Many people do not realize how hard it can often be for singles at church. Even at the most friendly, healthy, and gospel centered churches, we sit alone surrounded by couples with their arms around each other. We gladly serve in the nursery, but wonder if we'll ever have children of our own. We go out of our comfort zones and talk to people of all ages, backgrounds, relationships statuses, and walks of life, but we can't help longing for more people like us. We are a minority in the church. We are different. Dalfonzo address these things in "One by One", and you can almost hear the collective sigh of singles everywhere. 



What I Didn't Like

 In general, I found the tone of this book to be angry and bitter. Granted, there are some instances where her anger is justified. And I am not trying to take a "holier than thou" attitude. I have my own bitterness and anger issues when it comes to my prolonged singleness. But as I read this book I felt myself becoming more frustrated, bitter, and angry with my singleness. This could be an even bigger turn off for readers who may already have the bias that single people are always angry, bitter, and selfishly living their life- an attitude and assumption Dalfonzo is trying to correct.

 Dalfonzo calls out specific ideas, beliefs, and people in this book, and many of them rightly so. I was shocked at and hurt by certain views and attitudes on singleness that that church has. But there were two men she criticized, specifically Mohler and Piper, that I did not appreciate and thought was badly done. I freely admit my bias in favor of these two men. Piper is one of my favorite preachers and I have been blessed significantly by his writings, ministry, and podcasts. And if I ever went to seminary, I would only go to Southern where Mohler is currently president. But in spite of my bias, I think Dalfonzo has been unfair. There is one time where she criticizes Mohler and while I think he should have been more clear and should not have generalized singles, she misunderstands him. The second time she criticizes Mohler and Piper, is a statement where she calls them out but never shares what these men said that was so offensive to singles. 

 Dalfonzo also spends a lot of time criticizing books like "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" that give strict rules for courtship. I agree with Dalfonzo in that I don't think that is the only "biblical" way to date. But I think Dalfonzo goes too far. If that is the way an individual wants to date, who are we to say they can't?


Conclusion

 Overall, I thought this book would be alerting Christians to the singles in the church and some of the unique challenges we face and then giving them advice on how to love us. While "One By One" did technically do that, I thought a lot of the book was complaining, it lacked a good gospel and theological base, and the section showing people how to love singles was short in comparison. I don't think this book is bad, but it was disappointing and I would sadly not recommend it.  

Why My Singleness is Abundant

Singleness is second best.

Singleness is a punishment.

Singleness is a holding cell until my real life begins. Until I am finally good enough to be a wife. Until God has finally decided I have learned whatever it was I needed to learn.

"Oh, no," people say. "Please don't believe these lies." 

But this is how I feel.

From inconsiderate comments of people asking multiple times why I don't have a boyfriend, to people promising me marriage in the future, and others trying to set me up or fix me so that a guy will notice me, I began to feel this way.

But mostly it has been me. I take those comments and stew on them. I go back over every situation with a single guy I have ever had and critique my appearance, my words, my lack of words, my actions, if I looked at him too much or didn't look at him long enough. I start poisoning my heart with lies and ruthless scrutiny. 

And that is how the biggest lie formed- my life is worthless if I am single.

Despite the Christian culture's bent and emphasis toward marriage (most adult Christians seem to be married or wanting to be married) the Bible is balanced. The Bible is full of married people but there also single people who are important, like the apostle Paul. 

We are familiar with 1 Corinthians 7 where Paul talks about singleness. He writes, "Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am... (6-8, ESV). Paul continues to say that single men and women are free to be only concerned with the things of the Lord, which is a gift. And surely if Paul was himself single and thought it wise for everyone to be single, why should I feel inferior or second best as a single woman?

But I ashamedly admit that I take little comfort from that verse. It is a good reminder that God sees singleness as good and better for sharing the gospel- our most important task. But through my sinful, discouraged, and heart heavy eyes I read Paul's words bitterly, like I volunteered as tribute but unlike Katniss it wasn't out of love for my sister but because I was the only one with no husband to love. So I stood up and sacrificed my loveless self saying, "Yes, Lord, I guess it makes sense that it should be me who is single."

Oh how wrong those thoughts are. Just seeing their lies and bitterness and false teaching makes me cringe.

But it was how I felt. How I still struggle with feeling.

I know my thought process is wrong. I would tell anyone that of course singleness isn't second best. Paul considered it to be best and the best way to be undistractedly devoted to God and His gospel, who is what we life for. And who cares what my relationship status is while I wait to live with Jesus forever?

Well, I do. A lot.

I know the truth. I believe the truth. But I don't stop feeling and wanting.

And I don't think I will ever stop feeling and wanting to be married.

But there's this little verse that has changed me. 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and 
destroy. I came that they might have 
life and have it abundantly."

John 10:10

Jesus did not come to this earth to just give me life in Himself, but to give me an abundant life! He came for my abundance!

I'm not saying Jesus came to give me everything my heart desires and a perfect life according to my specific specifications. No. I may marry someday and I may be single for the rest of my life. Either way, I am meant to have an abundant life through Jesus.

As this verse began to burrow itself deeper and deeper into my heart I remembered this blog, "An Abundant Singleness".

I labored over the name of this blog. I started it as a way to process my hard journey through singleness, to preach the gospel to myself in this situation, and to hopefully connect with and encourage other single ladies on the way. And I settled on the word abundant because it was a word that wasn't wallowing in my unwanted situation but proclaiming that my happiness and my joy was fixed in Jesus and His death and resurrection on the cross.

So that is what I will continue to do.

This singleness is hard and unwanted. I fear its continuation. But Jesus died so that I might live my life abundantly with Him. Singleness is what He has chosen for me at least right now and it is not second best or a punishment. It is the way He has seen fit to give me an abundant life.

All the Reasons Why

24.

Is anyone else counting?

25 comes next. Then 26. Then I'll be 27, and 28 and 29. 

"I am getting so old," I find myself saying.
My mother rolls her eyes."Yeah, so old."

But there's an inner ticking that won't stop.

"Do you want to get married?" I am asked.
 "Yes, I do."
 "Have you ever had a boyfriend?"
 "No, I haven't."
 "And you're 24? How come you have never had a boyfriend?" Her dark eyes are kind, wondering, and confused.
"I don't know," I say. "I guess because the right guy has never asked me."

 She doesn't know it is a question that haunts me. So many people in the world and I am alone. 

24. 25. 26.

Do the reasons for my singleness multiply as quickly as my age?

27. 28. 29.

I hope it is just me who is noticing these numbers and reasons grow. 

1. I am not pretty enough.
2. I am not extroverted enough. 
3. I am not talkative enough.
4. I am not open enough.
5. I am not godly enough.
6. I am not around guys my age enough.
7. I am not womanly enough.
8. I don't do enough.
9. I don't serve in my church enough. 

Is anyone else counting?

The reasons for my singleness keep growing. Year by year.

Is this my fault?

I know that difficult circumstances are meant to bring us closer to God and are not punishments. But I know that on this earth I still face consequences for my sin.

So is my singleness my fault?

10. My leadership skills haven't grown enough.
11. My cooking skills haven't been practiced enough.
12. My style hasn't been fashionable enough.
13. My knowledge of the Bible hasn't expanded enough.
14. My mothering skills haven't been stretched enough.
15. My life hasn't been transformed to be like Jesus' enough.

My age hurts. 

The truth in the potential reasons for my singleness hurts, too. 

And yet maybe those reasons don't matter. Maybe it doesn't even matter if they are true.

I am always looking at myself.

The reasons why I am unworthy to be a child of God are infinitely longer. But God does not look at them anymore.

Maybe Jesus doesn't care about all the reasons why I am single either. 

Though the reasons why are like scarlet, He has made them white as snow. 

So I look up from myself, at the reasons why, and look at Jesus. 

"He has delivered us from the domain of darkness 

and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, 

in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

Colossians 1:13-14 

"For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, 

and I will remember their sins no more."

Hebrews 8:12

Book Review: Who Has Your Heart? by Emily Ryan

Synopsis

 Who Has Your Heart? by Emily Ryan is a book written for single women on how to practically live a godly life, using the story of Jephtha's daughter in Judges 11. Jephtha vows to God that the first thing to come out of his house when he returns from war will be given to God as a burnt sacrifice. Sadly, the first to greet him is his daughter. Taking the point of view that Jephtha's daughter's sacrifice is figurative (instead of being physically killed as a sacrifice she remains a virgin her entire life) Emily Ryan uses this young woman's journey as an example for how single women should live their life.

What I Liked

I loved Emily Ryan's honesty. I loved how she describes
the story of Ruth in the Bible. "...Not to sound bitter, but I haven't even had one chance at love and marriage, and this lady gets two!" (29). Because frankly, though Ruth has a beautiful story that points us to Christ, our kinsman redeemer, I have often felt the same way. Also, I loved her honesty in the personal story she shared about her sister marrying before her.


 Finally, I loved her conversational writing style. I felt like she was an older sister talking to me, sharing her story, and trying to help me with mine. Not preachy, but loving. Not judging, but accepting.

What I Didn't Like

Emily Ryan says in her book that as a single woman, she was looking for a role modal in the Bible, but everyone was married except Jephtha's daughter, so this young woman became Emily Ryan's inspiration. But what about Jesus? Isn't Jesus our standard, our perfect example, and our Savior? Why did she pick Jephtha's daughter who is mentioned in only one chapter of Judges when she could have picked Jesus, the theme of the entire Bible? I understand the desire for a female Biblical role model, which might be the reason why Emily Ryan chose Jephtha's daughter, but Jesus made us and died for us. I think He is more than capable of understanding women and He is everything we need. Jesus also remained single for his entire life, making Him, in my mind, the perfect role modal for a single woman as well as the perfect model for anything else in my life I will face.


  Also, the book goes through Jephtha's daughter's story, each verse and aspect of her character taken as a principle of how single women should live their lives. I agree with the principles Emily Ryan is teaching and did learn from them, but it was a huge stretch relating it so closely to Jephtha's daughter's story. 

 For example, the Bible says in Judges 11:34, "Then Jephthah came to his home at Mizpah. And behold, his daughter came out to meet him with tambourines and dances" (ESV). Emily Ryan notes that "Jephtha's daughter knew her identity. She was a tambourine player. And because she knew who she was, she also knew what she was to do" (50). The takeaway for us here is that just as Jephtha's daughter was a tambourine player and therefore played the tambourine, we need to know who we are as women (single) and know what we are supposed to do instead of chasing after things that are not ours (marriage at least right now). A good lesson, but one that was lost on me because of the message taken from one verse in the Bible that may or may not have been its' purpose.

Conclusion

 In conclusion, Who Has Your Heart? was a good read and not a heretical book. I don't regret reading it and was encouraged to know that my thoughts are not that different from other single women. But I would not recommend this book to others. There are many other books about singleness available that have the good things Emily Ryan shared without taking Bible verses and stories out of context and are also more rich in theology and truth.

This post first appeared on my other blog, The Truth in Sea Glass on January 5, 2015.

Maybe the Bravest Thing I Will Do Is Be Single

 I've never associated bravery and courage with singleness before.

 Courage is for when I moved one thousand miles away from home.

 Bravery would be necessary if I ever developed cancer.

 But being brave about my singleness?

 Over the last six years, my singleness has been about surrendering my desires to God. It has been fighting for joy and contentment despite my circumstances. It has been trying to stop looking at myself and what I want, but rather how God could use me during this undistracted season in life. 

But maybe I need to be brave, too.

Maybe the bravest thing I will do is be single.

I imagined going through life with someone by my side. I thought when it was time to decide where to live, where to work, where to worship, what direction my life should take, I would have a husband to help make those hard decisions. 

I imagined a godly man who loved me with his heart despite my flaws, and someone I could love, too.

 I imagined a house with a few sweet children, writing novels during their naps. 

I imagined being less lonely. 

I imagined going through stages of life at the same pace as my friends and not being treated like a teenager or less of an adult because I have no husband. 

Not having that life I imagined scares me.

So maybe the bravest thing I will ever do is let God turn me in the opposite direction to a different life and a family that consists of just me, where I take one painful step after another. 

The Lesbian and Me

 Life is often funny. At least mine is. But the most helpful article I have read recently as far as my unwanted singleness goes was not about singleness at all, but about a Christian lesbian woman. 

 
The Lesbian

 I highly recommend reading the article. You can find the link here: I Never Became Straight. Perhaps That Was Never God's Goal. 

 Really. Please go read the article before continuing to read my words. 

 But let me clarify in case you don't. The article is from the perspective of a woman who at some point in her life realized she was attracted to women and not men. In college she became a believer and was later convicted of her homosexual lifestyle. 

 Convicted? Yes. 

 It felt right to not act on her homosexual desires? No. 

 She was attracted to women and not men. But God's word told her it was wrong despite what felt right and good to her. She had to learn to obey before she understood why, even though it went against every fiber of her being.

 Every fiber of her being.  


Me

 This is not a confession of an attraction to women. Quite the opposite. It is a confession of my attraction to men when God has not given me marriage.

 It makes no sense to me. I am attracted to men. I want to be married more than anything else. But I remain single. Singleness is the complete opposite of what every part of my body, soul, and mind wants.

 Yet here I am twenty-three years and eight months into my life still single.

 The lesbian Christian woman could not be lesbian because the Bible is clear that homosexuality is wrong. 

 Right now, God has made it painfully obvious that I am single and that is where He wants me.

 As the woman in the article says, my trust in God is being stretched. How much do I trust in Jesus? How much?

 We often have to obey even when we don't understand why.

 I don't understand why. 

 But I am here to say that my Savior knows best.

When You Like a Guy

Recently, a reader asked me what she should do when she is interested in a guy. Before I dive into this subject, I want to be clear on something: I do not feel qualified to answer this question. This is something I tend to wonder about myself. I still struggle with liking guys and wondering what to do about it. I still do not handle my crushes well, leaping from different extremes on a daily basis. Because of that, my answers are purely based on my limited twenty-three years of experience, and mostly the wisdom I have received from my smart mother and multiple biblical books that have helped me navigate my singleness. My answers are also just my opinion and how I would handle the situation. I don't think there is necessarily one biblical way to handle it or dating in general, so I'm not trying to be the dating police here. 

 That being said, I have been here many times. I'm at school or church, or some event where there is a handsome guy and it's obvious he is a Christian. I may see him every Tuesday and Thursday in class, I may see him every Sunday at church, or his face could keep popping up on Facebook. We could be friends, random students sitting next to each other in a boring class, or I could be admiring him from afar. Either way, it is hard to get him out of my head. 

 
So what do we do?

 Well, on a big picture level, nothing. 

 As a young woman who has liked many guys at times for years without them ever noticing me as more than that random classmate or friend, this is hard to write. I want to do something! I want to tell him how I feel. (Well, maybe not. I am afraid of rejection.) But I certainly don't want to just wait and see if he ever likes me. Frankly, I've done this many times, and it's hard. But I believe that the guy needs to initiate a relationship as a potential future husband and leader of his family.

 In "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?", Carolyn McCulley writes, "When is a man interested? When he says so and his actions back up his words. Anything less is at best merely friendly and possibly even uncertain or inconsiderate. If he's a noble man who's made noble plans, one of his noble deeds is letting you know about it!" (90).  

 I confess that I was disappointed when I first read this. I'm not sure what I thought the author would say. Honestly, I would have preferred something more like, "Five Sure Signs Your Crush is Totally Into You", or "How To Get A Guy to Initiate A Relationship". Because really, that is the direction I want to go and it would involve me actively pursuing that goal.


  But in reality, McCulley's words provide the right answer. And the answer is no. In this situation, he doesn't like me because he hasn't told me he does. 

 That isn't to say that nothing will never happen in the future. I also think that as women we can always initiate friendships with men. But as far as my heart and romantic interest is concerned, I must proceed with my life facing the truth that he does not like me. 

 But of course, we don't sit in a corner of our room just waiting for Prince Charming! So in the small details of everyday life, this is what we do when there is a guy we like:

 
1. Pray, Pray, and Pray Some More

  I can't stress this enough. Jesus commanded us to pray, and it is such a privilege that we can come before our Heavenly Father. "...do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7, ESV).   We need to bring everything in our lives before God in prayer, and the guy we're currently crushing on is no exception. 

 There have been several guys I have prayed about in the past, and my prayers usually went something like this: God, there's this guy I really like. He seems like a great guy who loves you, who is active in his church, who has a great personality, and is good looking. God, I pray he will notice me and like me, too. But I pray that You will help me get to know him more, that You will show me whether or not this guy is for me someday. And I pray for Your will to be done.

 Looking back on my years in college, I can see the Lord's faithfulness to me and how he answered my prayers about the guys I liked. My freshman year I began to pray more boldly. I asked God to truly show me whether or not each guy I liked was for me. I asked for Him to change my heart and feelings toward the guy, or show me in a tangible way if the answer was yes or no. And God answered my prayers.

 My heart changed toward the first guy. One day he did something I thought was inappropriate. Though it wasn't a horrible sin or a deal breaker by any means, my heart changed. After that day, I no longer liked him. And God answered my prayer.

 The second guy I saw picking up a young lady for church literally a day after I began praying about him. A few weeks later, they started dating. And God answered my prayer.

 God did not provide a quick and easy answer for the last guy I liked in college. This guy was different because I thought that maybe he liked me back. But I didn't know for sure. He had said nothing to me. So I said nothing to him and just tried to get to know him casually and be his friend. And I prayed. But it seemed like God wasn't answering my prayer for Him to show me the answer. It took two years, but over time, after observing several things about this man, I realized that though he was a great guy and a strong believer, I couldn't respect him in several areas. And how could I even date a guy I couldn't fully respect? And God answered my prayer.

 Though each answer was painful, I learned so much about prayer and God's faithfulness and His timing.


2. Observe this man. 

 How is he with kids? What is he like angry? What is he like sad? What is he like when he's happy? How does he treat his mother? What kind of things does he like to do? Is he a hard worker? Is he willing to help out in any way that he can, or is he picky in how he serves? Do you get along with his family? What are his views on everything from the Trinity and salvation to how he feels about tattoos and alcohol?

 I'm not saying you have to know the answers to all of those questions before you potentially started dating, but they are still good to know, especially during this time when he's not necessarily trying to impress you and only show his good sides.


3. Pursue growth in yourself.

 This is where I start to fail. I forget that while I am looking around me for good, strong men who might make a good husband someday, that there are good, strong men looking for a wonderful potential wife. Would I make a good wife? In some areas, I would have to say no, from heart attitudes, my selfish nature, and not being super proficient in the kitchen. So these are areas that I work on.

 Even if I never get married someday, the skills and quality traits I am trying to grow in will never be wasted, either. For our ultimate purpose in life is to glorify God, and when we grow in the fruit of the spirit, we glorify Him.


4. Trust in God.

  Remember how my prayer ended in, "Thy will be done"? Well, that's the hardest thing to say, but the most important thing to say. I'm preaching to myself here. When I like a guy, I am convinced that he is the one for me and I can become obsessed. 

 But I need to trust the One who made me and who delivered me from my sin by dying on the cruel cross. If Jesus did that for me, can't I trust Him with my love life, or even lack of a love life? God may or may not have a husband in my future. It may or may not be my current crush. But either way I am spending eternity with Jesus! 

Sisters in Singleness // Kari's Story

   Occasionally I will be sharing the stories of other single women I know to encourage us with the truth that we are not alone in our singleness. Be sure to read Jennifer's Story if you missed it a few months ago. 

Kari's Story

 My name is Kari. I graduated from Cornerstone University in 2014 with a degree in ministry. I work at a local bookstore full-time, dog sit once in a while for friends, and serve in my church in the children's ministry and as a leader in the youth group.

Kari, can you share your story?

 I am 25 years old and I have been single all my life. I've never had a boyfriend, and the one date that I had was later in college. To some people that is absolutely shocking. In today's day and age, it's completely normal to have had multiple dates and a list of past boyfriends. Yet, for me, that's not a part of my story. I think there are a couple of reasons as to why that is the case.

 First, I grew up having the mindset of not needing a boyfriend or a date. I watched my friends go in and out of relationships, constantly changing their minds about certain guys or girls and what they thought of them. I saw them get hurt and witnessed healthy friendships become broken. Yet I saw some good relationships as well- two people happy and enjoying life together. But for me, I decided that I didn't want to ruin the friendships that I had with the guys in my life. Yes, I had crushes and interests, but I didn't want to need a relationship with a guy just because it was the thing to do. All throughout junior high and high school I had some great friendships with lots of guys, and it was a relief to know that I didn't feel the pressure to date them or make into something more.

 Second, I felt like I was never really ready to commit to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I can remember a couple of guys reaching out and asking me about dating, but I always said, "No." It's not that they were bad guys or anything like that; I just didn't feel inclined to be dating at those times. Plus there were the feelings of not being ready AND feeling intimidated by the unknown; it's a little scary if you think about it. I possess little to no experience in the realm of relationships other than what I have observed from those around me.

 Ultimately, I would love to be in a relationship with a wonderful man who loves and serves the Lord. I would love to be married and have kids of my own someday. I have been told many times by many people that I would make a good wife and mother. But at the moment that isn't who I am. God has placed me where I am in life for His good plan and purpose. God has called me to living the life of a woman unattached to anyone else so that I can be attached to Him. Yes, there are days when the reality of singleness is hard to deal with, and I feel like I'm missing out on married life. However, I am constantly reminded of how much of a blessing it is, and that I need to be faithful where God has me right now.

 How has your singleness been a blessing in your life?

  Countless ways! I really could have a long list of how being single has been a blessing, but I think there is one word that I can summarize most of it- service. I have been able to serve in ways that I probably would not have been able to if I was married. I've traveled out of the country three times (two of which were missions trips), I dog-sit and babysit for friends and families on occasion, and I can be as involved in church ministries as I want. My schedule is flexible and open, which means that I am available for things like last minute changes and spontaneous outings. If I had a husband and kids to take care of, I doubt I would be able to do all of that and more since they would be my priority instead of all these other things. Being able to serve is one of my greatest passions, whether it be a huge project or a mundane task. Being single has made the ability to serve a broad path to pursue. 

 What has been the hardest part of being single?

  I think the hardest part about being single is seeing other people in good relationships and marriages. I truly am happy and excited for them, yet I long for that, too. It's also difficult when people I know ask me, "So, is there a guy?" I know they care about me and that they have good intentions behind their prodding, but it often reminds me of the fact that I don't have a man in my life. It can be a quick and easy way to turn my heart toward idolizing marriage, turning my focus toward something that is not God's plan for me right now.

 Has there been a specific book (or maybe several books) that have helped you the most through your journey as a single woman?

  The most recent book I have started reading is "The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller and his wife, Kathy. While the book itself is good as far as thinking about marriage, chapter seven is specifically directed toward singleness and what that looks like. Honestly, that one chapter has some of the best wisdom and thoughts about being single that I have ever read or heard. It has impacted my perspective on being single. If you are single and want to read something that encourages you in your singleness, read chapter seven in "The Meaning of Marriage". 

If you could go back in time, what words of advice or encouragement about singleness would you share with your younger self?

  What you have or don't have doesn't determine your worth. Even though you're not in a relationship, it doesn't mean that people don't like you or care about you. I know that deep down inside you feel lonely. But you're really not alone. You have so many people in your life who know you and love you for who you are, and you have a God who has unconditional love for YOU. Your worth and value and significance are found in Him.

Should You Pray for Your Future Husband?

Though many aspects of the Christian life are black and white, either right or wrong, I think this is an area that is more gray. I have read blog posts where people were convinced it was wrong to pray for your future husband. I have read many more articles encouraging women to pray everyday for their future husbands, sometimes even using Bible verses out of context to claim that if we ask God for a husband He will give us the desire of our hearts. 

 I could write several blog posts about how ludicrous and un-biblical that is, but I will save that for the future. Right now I want to focus on the question, "Should we pray for our future husbands?"

 Honestly, I believe the answer depends on each woman. 

 I want to share with you two different seasons of my life in college to hopefully give some examples.


Scenario #1
   I honestly expected to have a boyfriend by my sophomore year. I was living on a campus with a bunch of Christian guys my age, so I thought for sure it was bound to happen, especially by my second year of college. But it didn't.  Instead, my roommate was planning her wedding, another good friend just started dating a guy, and everyone around me seemed to also be pairing up. And I was really struggling.

 But God used that struggle to challenge this idea I had of marriage. I thought I was going to get married someday just because I wanted to, because I thought I was entitled to have what I wanted. Clearly, that was wrong.

 Within that struggle, I recognized the fact that we can ask God for what we want. In the past I had prayed for a husband someday. But I also recognized that at least right now, my desire for a husband was a huge struggle and an idol in my life. I realized that I needed to focus on what God had given me and not what I felt like God should give me. Praying for my future husband at that time would have made my thoughts go places they shouldn't. So I didn't.


Scenario #2
  Both my junior and senior years of college, I liked this one guy. There were times when I was with him that it honestly seemed like to me and a few of my friends that he liked me too. And other times, he seemed to be hard core ignoring me. I couldn't figure him out.

 During that time I had also begun to pray for my future husband. I prayed that he existed. I prayed that God would mature him and grow him in love for Christ and in patience and love and peace and self control. I used a prayer guide, and I wrote out my prayers in my journal. As I wrote these prayers, it helped me to picture my future husband separately from this guy I liked. My future husband was exactly that: future. He was not in my life right now because I was not married.  This guy that I currently liked could maybe turn out to be my future husband, but right now he certainly wasn't. 

 Praying for my future husband during that season of my life forced me to not think of this guy that I liked as my potential future husband. It helped to put my emotions through a filter. Strangely enough, through prayer, observations of him, and I imagine my prayers for my future husband, the Lord showed me that though this guy was great in many ways, he probably wasn't the guy I should marry. There were qualities I wanted my future husband to have that he did not possess. 


 At different times in my life, I have found it helpful and unhelpful to pray for my future husband. I really believe it is something everyone needs to decide for themselves. Ultimately, it is more a question about your heart and what your attitude is when you pray or don't pray for your future husband. 

 It can be helpful to ask yourself questions to gauge whether or not you should be praying for your future husband, questions like...

 When you pray, are you assuming this is something God should and will automatically give to you?

 When you don't pray, are you assuming this is something God will never give you?

 After you pray or don't pray for your future husband, how do you feel? Do you feel committed to the qualities your husband needs to have someday? Does it make you dwell too much on something that God has not given to you right now?

 Are you also praying that God will be growing you and molding you to be a wonderful wife someday?

What are your thoughts on praying for your future husband? Is it something you do or don't do? I would love to hear your stories!

     

The Single Woman I Want to Be

 I recently read an article about not being an average single woman (Not Your Average Single Girl), and it has inspired me to do something I have wanted to do for a long time: make a Singleness Bucket List.

  I have avoided writing it, I admit. I often don't want to post on this blog as it makes me more fully admit my singleness. In the same way, it can be depressing to come up with what I want to do with my singleness when I really just want it to go away.

 But as the article said, joy and contentment are more than telling myself the truth of all the ways God has blessed me. That is good and right, but it is also about living my life and choosing to be joyful and content each day. And one way I can do that is to make a list of things I want to be and do while I am single. 

 Some things will help me better prepare for being a wife and mother. Some things will be activities I can best do because of the freedom I currently have in my singleness. Some things are things I want to do no matter what my relationship status is. Everything on my list will be worth while whether or not I get married. 

The Single Woman I Want to Be

 I want to be constantly in the Word and on my knees in prayer.

 I want to always be reading books about theology, Christian living, poetry, and any good literature the world can offer. 

 I want to travel, both to proclaim the gospel through short term missions trips and to see as much as I can about this beautiful world God created. 

 I want to continue to write and grow both of my blogs to encourage myself and other young women to continue be faithful to the Lord. 

 I want to share the gospel through writing many novels, a non-fictional book about emotional porn, and maybe a devotional for single women.

 I want to manage my home well, whether that home is one room of my own, an apartment, or a whole house. 

 I want to always open my home to others, again, whether that is one room or many rooms.

 I want to be able to cook healthy and delicious meals at a reasonable speed. 

 I want to care for children, whether that is the children in my church or my own.

 I want to make baby quilts and donate them to local Christian pregnancy centers, and if God blesses me with my own babies, I want to make a quilt for each of them.

 I want to minister to younger girls around me in some way, maybe by simply being their friend or older sister.

 I want to go on adventures big and small while I have the time and freedom.

 I want to live my life like I am a nomad on this earth, purposely living life to the glory of God, but knowing I am not home in heaven yet. 

 I want to live the single years of my life with joy, purposefulness, and intentionality. 

Large and Small Deaths // Laying My Desire for Marriage on the Altar

 "He was leading her away from her hearts' desire altogether and gave no promise at all as to when he would bring her back."  

~ Hinds' Feet on High Places         

 Early last week I was pondering my singleness and this quote from the allegory by Hannah Hurrand (which I think every Christian should read- it was that good!). Not that I don't usually ponder my singleness, but last Monday and Tuesday it was particularly on my mind.  

 In Hinds' Feet on High Places, the Shepherd leads Much Afraid on a long journey where he says he will make her feet like those of the hind and hart leaping among the mountains. It is a hard journey that Much Afraid takes, but the Shepherd helps her, gives her companions, and at the end, Much Afraid has been completely changed and finds the high places where her Shepherd lives better than she could have imagined, a beautiful picture of our lives as Christians on this earth and the hope we have in heaven. 

 But what struck me most in this story is how at almost every turn, every change, every hardship and every new path Much Afraid took, the Shepherd asked her to make an altar and lay down her fears and desires and give them to Him. 

 Throughout my life, I have had to lay down my singleness before God many times. I remember specifically doing this my junior year in college. At that point in time, it was clear that God was not going to let me get married right after my graduation like I wanted. I realized that I had been holding my desire to be married in a tight fist, clinging to it more tightly than Him, like God could only be good to me if He granted me that desire. At some point during my junior year the Lord broke me, pushing me literally to my knees before Him where I knew I must offer my desire to be married to Him. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, but what a sweet communion with my Lord it gave me.

 However, offering this desire is not just something I need to do every year or every few months. Just as Much Afraid had to continually make an altar, I need to continually give Jesus my hopes, desires, and fears- particularly my desire to be married. This must happen every day. Every morning I need to submit and surrender to His will. 

 Much Afraid laid on the altar big, hard things as well as small things. I've been realizing that my singleness is comprised of both of those things. Usually I see it as one big, hard thing, but it is also made up of many small, hard things. The difficulty of singleness is also seeing my friends and people I grew up with have boyfriends and get married. It is the realization that my younger sister may get married before me. It is the awkwardness of relationships with married friends changing. It is holding crushes and potential relationships with an open hand. It is being alone on Valentines' Day. It is no one asking me to dance. It is the realization that I may never have children. These are the little deaths that I forget I must also lay on the altar. 

 So right now, today, and yet again, I lay my desire to be married on the altar. I do not want to be single. I did not want to be single when I was six. This is hard. So hard. But I lay this desire at His feet for Him to take and do as He sees fit. And starting now, I will do this every day, because that is what my weak, selfish hearts needs.

 Lord, I pray that I will trust You with these large and small things. I pray that I will hold my hopes and desires with an open hand and that no matter what happens with my life I will say, 'You are good', because You are always good. 

Have you read "Hinds' Feet on High Places?" 

How did the book impact you? What large and 

small deaths are you having to give to God?

  

Not Ready for Mistletoe

  

Already there has been a flood of engagements surrounding December and the Christmas season, and I am not ready for them.

 I am not ready for all of the pictures- the guy on one knee surrounded by a beautiful country or glittering city landscape, her hands covering her mouth in surprise, an embrace, a kiss, a sparkling ring on her hand.

 I am not ready to have to click "like" on their life event on social media.

 I am not ready to tell the newly engaged couple congratulations when if I am honest with myself, though I am truly happy for them, I am slightly more jealous and sad that it is not me.

 I am not ready to feel alone during the season when everyone else seems to have a special someone.

 I am not ready for mistletoe dangling above me and only me.

 But I'm realizing that it's okay not to be ready.

 I'm not saying I am allowed to be bitter or that there aren't times when I need to get over myself and be thankful for what God has given me. That is true more often that I care to admit.

 However it is also true that this is hard, watching friends, old classmates, acquaintances, the younger people around me get engaged while I am still waiting for an eligible guy to notice my existence. 

 But despite the hardness, the engagements of others, and not me,  will come. They will come with the Christmas snow and New Year's confetti, and I can't avoid them.

 So these are to ways I am getting ready for mistletoe:

 1. Prayer

    Prayer is a powerful tool that I know I forget too often. In Matthew 26: 41, it says, "Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak." Though Jesus has saved me by grace and I am looking forward to spending eternity with Him, I am still a sinner with weak flesh. When I see couples holding hands walking down a snowy street decorated with Christmas lights, I get jealous. When another friend gets engaged I sometimes get angry that it's not me. But I can go before God and ask Him to help me with my struggles. This year I am asking Him to prepare me for the situations where I will be tempted to dwell in envy and self-pity and to instead give me an unexplainable joy for the couples He has decided to bless with marriage, as well as the current situation He has given me. 

2. Thanksgiving

 Though the holiday of Thanksgiving is over, I need to be continually counting my blessings. God has not me marriage or a boyfriend, but He has given me much more. Life, a loving family, wonderful friends, a good job, a warm place to live and food to eat, a desire to write, libraries of books waiting to be read, books to write... I could fill journals of all of the things God has given me! But even more than those things that are all amazing, He has given me eternal life. The Master and Creator of the universe has given me Himself- something I could never hope to deserve. So if He has given me this much, why dwell on the one thing He hasn't given me that is truly worthless compared to His gift of salvation?  So I list everything He has given me instead of being sad about what He has not.

 Heavenly Father, I pray that during this holiday season, I and my fellow single sisters in Christ will not dwell on the boyfriends and relationships we wish we had, but will instead be filled with joy and raise for the relationship we have with You forever. 

Three Simple Principles for Single Young Women

  

 I have much to learn, especially in the area of singleness and living my singleness well, but here are three simple, big picture principles for single women that I have gleaned from reading books, watching other single women, and being single myself for my entire life. 

1. Take your singleness one day at a time.

    I wish I could remember where I read this, but is has been some of the best advice on singleness I have ever heard. Picturing myself single for the rest of my life is painful, so instead,  I live my singleness day by day through the strength I have in the Holy Spirit. There is a reason God has not told me how long I will remain single; if He had told me my freshman year of college that I would be single for the next four and a half years, I don't know how I would have survived college. So it is something he has wisely not burdened me with, and I praise Him for that and simply take my singleness one day at a time.

2. Do not compare yourself.

      I have met ladies that made me feel I couldn't possibly ever have a boyfriend or husband if they were the standard. They were more beautiful than me, more talented, and had a closer walk with God, and I thought because of that no man could ever want me, a girl who couldn't compare to them. I have met ladies I thought were not as beautiful or talented or spiritual as me who were happily married and I thought that surely meant I would get married too. Either way, playing the comparison game only harms me. It is a game I have played many times and it only leads to jealousy, self pity, and a strange combination of self loathing and pride. 

3. Do something with the life of singleness you have been given.

     Again, I do not say this from experience, but simply as a truth I am trying to faithfully live out. I wish I was better at focusing more on who I want to be as a godly young woman than the fact that I am single. The truth is that "single me" and "married me" both need to grow in love, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control. Whether I am a Miss or a Mrs., my first priority is becoming more like Jesus.  However "single me" has freedom and opportunities that "married me" would never have, and I hope to use this time (however long it is) to glorify God and take advantage of my singleness.