Courage is for when I moved one thousand miles away from home.
Bravery would be necessary if I ever developed cancer.
But being brave about my singleness?
Over the last six years, my singleness has been about surrendering my desires to God. It has been fighting for joy and contentment despite my circumstances. It has been trying to stop looking at myself and what I want, but rather how God could use me during this undistracted season in life.
But maybe I need to be brave, too.
Maybe the bravest thing I will do is be single.
I imagined going through life with someone by my side. I thought when it was time to decide where to live, where to work, where to worship, what direction my life should take, I would have a husband to help make those hard decisions.
I imagined a godly man who loved me with his heart despite my flaws, and someone I could love, too.
I imagined a house with a few sweet children, writing novels during their naps.
I imagined being less lonely.
I imagined going through stages of life at the same pace as my friends and not being treated like a teenager or less of an adult because I have no husband.
Not having that life I imagined scares me.
So maybe the bravest thing I will ever do is let God turn me in the opposite direction to a different life and a family that consists of just me, where I take one painful step after another.
This is an interesting way to look at singleness! I haven't thought of it before either, but I have had nervous thoughts like "What if I never get married? How will I be able to care for myself and my parents when they get older?" As you said, sometimes life is about having courage in God's way, even when it's hard.
ReplyDeleteYes! I feel like it's a double wammy- trying to be brave with living by myself and being my own breadwinner and having no partner, while at the same time being brave with just the fact my life is taking a different turn than I wanted. And I hadn't thought about providing for my parents someday. Ahh! :)
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