Listen To This When Your Singleness Is Hard

 My single ladies, please, stop whatever you are doing and listen to this audio clip of the Ask Pastor John podcast. 

 It has been a game changer for me as I try to live my singleness well. I can't listen to this and not cry. 

 I have heard aspects of this message before, but never all together and so fully explained and thought out. We live in a world and culture that magnifies sex, sexual fulfillment, and relationships. As believers we know that Jesus is our hope and not any other relationship, and we trust that God is still good in withholding romantic love from us. But still we want it. And still the world, and often believers, too, tell us something is wrong with us, elevating marriage or being in a relationship. Certainly everyone around us is married or in a relationship. And it is hard to keep destroying the lies that are hurled at us. 

 Sisters, Jesus remained single His entire life on earth. He was never sexually or romantically fulfilled. And He was no less of a man. Let us take comfort in that.

 So please listen to this. Listen to it again. Listen to it a month from now or whenever your singleness is hard to take. 

Today, I'm thankful

 Today, I am thankful.

 A few weeks ago flowers were given out at my church for Mother's Day. I am not a mother, but I was given a pot of flowers. 

 I have heard of single women left out in their churches, where Mother's Day gifts are handed out and they are ignored because they are not mothers. And though it is true that they are not mothers, they want to be. It is an unnecessary cruelty. A visible shunning from the body of Christ who should love them. 

 But my church is not like that.

 I have been promised marriage from people who are married and really have no category for the fact that it is not a guarantee for everyone. I have been the brunt of a few rude and inconsiderate comments.

 But for the most part my church is not like that.

 I got flowers.

 And I am thankful.

 It is a good reminder that there is more than one way to be a mother. I can financially support a child in another country. I can love on the kids in my church. And most importantly, we can be spiritual parents. 

 So today I am thankful for my flowers.  

Book Review: One By One, Welcoming the Singles in Your Church

Overview 

 There are many books about living life as a single Christian, but none about singles in the church. That is until Gina Dalfonzo brings to light the unique plights of singles who feel left out in family oriented churches and what churches can do to welcome single people.  



What I Liked

 I love and am thankful for the topic of this book. Many people do not realize how hard it can often be for singles at church. Even at the most friendly, healthy, and gospel centered churches, we sit alone surrounded by couples with their arms around each other. We gladly serve in the nursery, but wonder if we'll ever have children of our own. We go out of our comfort zones and talk to people of all ages, backgrounds, relationships statuses, and walks of life, but we can't help longing for more people like us. We are a minority in the church. We are different. Dalfonzo address these things in "One by One", and you can almost hear the collective sigh of singles everywhere. 



What I Didn't Like

 In general, I found the tone of this book to be angry and bitter. Granted, there are some instances where her anger is justified. And I am not trying to take a "holier than thou" attitude. I have my own bitterness and anger issues when it comes to my prolonged singleness. But as I read this book I felt myself becoming more frustrated, bitter, and angry with my singleness. This could be an even bigger turn off for readers who may already have the bias that single people are always angry, bitter, and selfishly living their life- an attitude and assumption Dalfonzo is trying to correct.

 Dalfonzo calls out specific ideas, beliefs, and people in this book, and many of them rightly so. I was shocked at and hurt by certain views and attitudes on singleness that that church has. But there were two men she criticized, specifically Mohler and Piper, that I did not appreciate and thought was badly done. I freely admit my bias in favor of these two men. Piper is one of my favorite preachers and I have been blessed significantly by his writings, ministry, and podcasts. And if I ever went to seminary, I would only go to Southern where Mohler is currently president. But in spite of my bias, I think Dalfonzo has been unfair. There is one time where she criticizes Mohler and while I think he should have been more clear and should not have generalized singles, she misunderstands him. The second time she criticizes Mohler and Piper, is a statement where she calls them out but never shares what these men said that was so offensive to singles. 

 Dalfonzo also spends a lot of time criticizing books like "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" that give strict rules for courtship. I agree with Dalfonzo in that I don't think that is the only "biblical" way to date. But I think Dalfonzo goes too far. If that is the way an individual wants to date, who are we to say they can't?


Conclusion

 Overall, I thought this book would be alerting Christians to the singles in the church and some of the unique challenges we face and then giving them advice on how to love us. While "One By One" did technically do that, I thought a lot of the book was complaining, it lacked a good gospel and theological base, and the section showing people how to love singles was short in comparison. I don't think this book is bad, but it was disappointing and I would sadly not recommend it.  

Why My Singleness is Abundant

Singleness is second best.

Singleness is a punishment.

Singleness is a holding cell until my real life begins. Until I am finally good enough to be a wife. Until God has finally decided I have learned whatever it was I needed to learn.

"Oh, no," people say. "Please don't believe these lies." 

But this is how I feel.

From inconsiderate comments of people asking multiple times why I don't have a boyfriend, to people promising me marriage in the future, and others trying to set me up or fix me so that a guy will notice me, I began to feel this way.

But mostly it has been me. I take those comments and stew on them. I go back over every situation with a single guy I have ever had and critique my appearance, my words, my lack of words, my actions, if I looked at him too much or didn't look at him long enough. I start poisoning my heart with lies and ruthless scrutiny. 

And that is how the biggest lie formed- my life is worthless if I am single.

Despite the Christian culture's bent and emphasis toward marriage (most adult Christians seem to be married or wanting to be married) the Bible is balanced. The Bible is full of married people but there also single people who are important, like the apostle Paul. 

We are familiar with 1 Corinthians 7 where Paul talks about singleness. He writes, "Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am... (6-8, ESV). Paul continues to say that single men and women are free to be only concerned with the things of the Lord, which is a gift. And surely if Paul was himself single and thought it wise for everyone to be single, why should I feel inferior or second best as a single woman?

But I ashamedly admit that I take little comfort from that verse. It is a good reminder that God sees singleness as good and better for sharing the gospel- our most important task. But through my sinful, discouraged, and heart heavy eyes I read Paul's words bitterly, like I volunteered as tribute but unlike Katniss it wasn't out of love for my sister but because I was the only one with no husband to love. So I stood up and sacrificed my loveless self saying, "Yes, Lord, I guess it makes sense that it should be me who is single."

Oh how wrong those thoughts are. Just seeing their lies and bitterness and false teaching makes me cringe.

But it was how I felt. How I still struggle with feeling.

I know my thought process is wrong. I would tell anyone that of course singleness isn't second best. Paul considered it to be best and the best way to be undistractedly devoted to God and His gospel, who is what we life for. And who cares what my relationship status is while I wait to live with Jesus forever?

Well, I do. A lot.

I know the truth. I believe the truth. But I don't stop feeling and wanting.

And I don't think I will ever stop feeling and wanting to be married.

But there's this little verse that has changed me. 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and 
destroy. I came that they might have 
life and have it abundantly."

John 10:10

Jesus did not come to this earth to just give me life in Himself, but to give me an abundant life! He came for my abundance!

I'm not saying Jesus came to give me everything my heart desires and a perfect life according to my specific specifications. No. I may marry someday and I may be single for the rest of my life. Either way, I am meant to have an abundant life through Jesus.

As this verse began to burrow itself deeper and deeper into my heart I remembered this blog, "An Abundant Singleness".

I labored over the name of this blog. I started it as a way to process my hard journey through singleness, to preach the gospel to myself in this situation, and to hopefully connect with and encourage other single ladies on the way. And I settled on the word abundant because it was a word that wasn't wallowing in my unwanted situation but proclaiming that my happiness and my joy was fixed in Jesus and His death and resurrection on the cross.

So that is what I will continue to do.

This singleness is hard and unwanted. I fear its continuation. But Jesus died so that I might live my life abundantly with Him. Singleness is what He has chosen for me at least right now and it is not second best or a punishment. It is the way He has seen fit to give me an abundant life.

All the Reasons Why

24.

Is anyone else counting?

25 comes next. Then 26. Then I'll be 27, and 28 and 29. 

"I am getting so old," I find myself saying.
My mother rolls her eyes."Yeah, so old."

But there's an inner ticking that won't stop.

"Do you want to get married?" I am asked.
 "Yes, I do."
 "Have you ever had a boyfriend?"
 "No, I haven't."
 "And you're 24? How come you have never had a boyfriend?" Her dark eyes are kind, wondering, and confused.
"I don't know," I say. "I guess because the right guy has never asked me."

 She doesn't know it is a question that haunts me. So many people in the world and I am alone. 

24. 25. 26.

Do the reasons for my singleness multiply as quickly as my age?

27. 28. 29.

I hope it is just me who is noticing these numbers and reasons grow. 

1. I am not pretty enough.
2. I am not extroverted enough. 
3. I am not talkative enough.
4. I am not open enough.
5. I am not godly enough.
6. I am not around guys my age enough.
7. I am not womanly enough.
8. I don't do enough.
9. I don't serve in my church enough. 

Is anyone else counting?

The reasons for my singleness keep growing. Year by year.

Is this my fault?

I know that difficult circumstances are meant to bring us closer to God and are not punishments. But I know that on this earth I still face consequences for my sin.

So is my singleness my fault?

10. My leadership skills haven't grown enough.
11. My cooking skills haven't been practiced enough.
12. My style hasn't been fashionable enough.
13. My knowledge of the Bible hasn't expanded enough.
14. My mothering skills haven't been stretched enough.
15. My life hasn't been transformed to be like Jesus' enough.

My age hurts. 

The truth in the potential reasons for my singleness hurts, too. 

And yet maybe those reasons don't matter. Maybe it doesn't even matter if they are true.

I am always looking at myself.

The reasons why I am unworthy to be a child of God are infinitely longer. But God does not look at them anymore.

Maybe Jesus doesn't care about all the reasons why I am single either. 

Though the reasons why are like scarlet, He has made them white as snow. 

So I look up from myself, at the reasons why, and look at Jesus. 

"He has delivered us from the domain of darkness 

and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, 

in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

Colossians 1:13-14 

"For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, 

and I will remember their sins no more."

Hebrews 8:12

Book Review: Who Has Your Heart? by Emily Ryan

Synopsis

 Who Has Your Heart? by Emily Ryan is a book written for single women on how to practically live a godly life, using the story of Jephtha's daughter in Judges 11. Jephtha vows to God that the first thing to come out of his house when he returns from war will be given to God as a burnt sacrifice. Sadly, the first to greet him is his daughter. Taking the point of view that Jephtha's daughter's sacrifice is figurative (instead of being physically killed as a sacrifice she remains a virgin her entire life) Emily Ryan uses this young woman's journey as an example for how single women should live their life.

What I Liked

I loved Emily Ryan's honesty. I loved how she describes
the story of Ruth in the Bible. "...Not to sound bitter, but I haven't even had one chance at love and marriage, and this lady gets two!" (29). Because frankly, though Ruth has a beautiful story that points us to Christ, our kinsman redeemer, I have often felt the same way. Also, I loved her honesty in the personal story she shared about her sister marrying before her.


 Finally, I loved her conversational writing style. I felt like she was an older sister talking to me, sharing her story, and trying to help me with mine. Not preachy, but loving. Not judging, but accepting.

What I Didn't Like

Emily Ryan says in her book that as a single woman, she was looking for a role modal in the Bible, but everyone was married except Jephtha's daughter, so this young woman became Emily Ryan's inspiration. But what about Jesus? Isn't Jesus our standard, our perfect example, and our Savior? Why did she pick Jephtha's daughter who is mentioned in only one chapter of Judges when she could have picked Jesus, the theme of the entire Bible? I understand the desire for a female Biblical role model, which might be the reason why Emily Ryan chose Jephtha's daughter, but Jesus made us and died for us. I think He is more than capable of understanding women and He is everything we need. Jesus also remained single for his entire life, making Him, in my mind, the perfect role modal for a single woman as well as the perfect model for anything else in my life I will face.


  Also, the book goes through Jephtha's daughter's story, each verse and aspect of her character taken as a principle of how single women should live their lives. I agree with the principles Emily Ryan is teaching and did learn from them, but it was a huge stretch relating it so closely to Jephtha's daughter's story. 

 For example, the Bible says in Judges 11:34, "Then Jephthah came to his home at Mizpah. And behold, his daughter came out to meet him with tambourines and dances" (ESV). Emily Ryan notes that "Jephtha's daughter knew her identity. She was a tambourine player. And because she knew who she was, she also knew what she was to do" (50). The takeaway for us here is that just as Jephtha's daughter was a tambourine player and therefore played the tambourine, we need to know who we are as women (single) and know what we are supposed to do instead of chasing after things that are not ours (marriage at least right now). A good lesson, but one that was lost on me because of the message taken from one verse in the Bible that may or may not have been its' purpose.

Conclusion

 In conclusion, Who Has Your Heart? was a good read and not a heretical book. I don't regret reading it and was encouraged to know that my thoughts are not that different from other single women. But I would not recommend this book to others. There are many other books about singleness available that have the good things Emily Ryan shared without taking Bible verses and stories out of context and are also more rich in theology and truth.

This post first appeared on my other blog, The Truth in Sea Glass on January 5, 2015.