Is anyone else counting?
25 comes next. Then 26. Then I'll be 27, and 28 and 29.
"I am getting so old," I find myself saying.
My mother rolls her eyes."Yeah, so old."
But there's an inner ticking that won't stop.
"Do you want to get married?" I am asked.
"Yes, I do."
"Have you ever had a boyfriend?"
"No, I haven't."
"And you're 24? How come you have never had a boyfriend?" Her dark eyes are kind, wondering, and confused.
"I don't know," I say. "I guess because the right guy has never asked me."
She doesn't know it is a question that haunts me. So many people in the world and I am alone.
24. 25. 26.
Do the reasons for my singleness multiply as quickly as my age?
27. 28. 29.
I hope it is just me who is noticing these numbers and reasons grow.
1. I am not pretty enough.
2. I am not extroverted enough.
3. I am not talkative enough.
4. I am not open enough.
5. I am not godly enough.
6. I am not around guys my age enough.
7. I am not womanly enough.
8. I don't do enough.
9. I don't serve in my church enough.
Is anyone else counting?
The reasons for my singleness keep growing. Year by year.
Is this my fault?
I know that difficult circumstances are meant to bring us closer to God and are not punishments. But I know that on this earth I still face consequences for my sin.
So is my singleness my fault?
10. My leadership skills haven't grown enough.
11. My cooking skills haven't been practiced enough.
12. My style hasn't been fashionable enough.
13. My knowledge of the Bible hasn't expanded enough.
14. My mothering skills haven't been stretched enough.
15. My life hasn't been transformed to be like Jesus' enough.
My age hurts.
The truth in the potential reasons for my singleness hurts, too.
And yet maybe those reasons don't matter. Maybe it doesn't even matter if they are true.
I am always looking at myself.
The reasons why I am unworthy to be a child of God are infinitely longer. But God does not look at them anymore.
Maybe Jesus doesn't care about all the reasons why I am single either.
Though the reasons why are like scarlet, He has made them white as snow.
So I look up from myself, at the reasons why, and look at Jesus.
"He has delivered us from the domain of darkness
and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son,
in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."
Colossians 1:13-14
"For I will be merciful toward their iniquities,
and I will remember their sins no more."
Hebrews 8:12
I totally get this, I've been here, wondering what was wrong with me or what I was doing wrong that no guy had ever shown interest in me. Even with my year at a bible school where just about everyone was looking to be in a relationship, quiet little introverted me blended into the background and stayed invisible. The next year I worked at a camp where there was one guy I was interested in, but any attempted conversation crashed and burned. I stayed on as an intern/nanny for the camp directer's family, a tiny camp in the middle of nowhere. The camp directer's wife had learned a lot about trusting God through her singleness, God didn't bring her and her husband together until they were in their mid to late 30's. She and I had many encouraging talks, and God changed my heart to see that there was nothing wrong with being single. It was just a fact of life for that point in time. No matter if I had to wait another 10 years, or maybe never get married, God was still with me, working out His perfect plan, placing opportunities in my path that would never have worked if I was in a relationship. I was right where He wanted me, even though I seemed so far away from what I wanted. But that distance of years and years turned out to be a matter of weeks. From out of the blue, completely unexpected, a guy I had met briefly at a nearby church started coming to help out with a weekly coffee house the camp put on. And to make a long story shorter :P this guy is now my husband.
ReplyDeleteSo, sorry for this long comment, but what I wanted to share it this- It's not about what we do, because nothing can stop God's plan from happening. God uses so many different things to make us more like Himself, to grow us and stretch us out of our comfort zone so that we learn to depend on Him. And this never stops! While marriage has its blessings, single life is definitely less complicated, and a blessing in and of itself. Yes, hind sight is 20-20, and its' difficult to not understand why God has us where we are, but we can trust in Hid amazing love for us no matter what.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Bethany! I love hearing other people's stories and how God has been faithful to them. It reminds me of how God is always faithful even when it doesn't feel like He is. Yes, we can in Him no matter what. :)
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