Is anyone else counting?
25 comes next. Then 26. Then I'll be 27, and 28 and 29.
"I am getting so old," I find myself saying.
My mother rolls her eyes."Yeah, so old."
But there's an inner ticking that won't stop.
"Do you want to get married?" I am asked.
"Yes, I do."
"Have you ever had a boyfriend?"
"No, I haven't."
"And you're 24? How come you have never had a boyfriend?" Her dark eyes are kind, wondering, and confused.
"I don't know," I say. "I guess because the right guy has never asked me."
She doesn't know it is a question that haunts me. So many people in the world and I am alone.
24. 25. 26.
Do the reasons for my singleness multiply as quickly as my age?
27. 28. 29.
I hope it is just me who is noticing these numbers and reasons grow.
1. I am not pretty enough.
2. I am not extroverted enough.
3. I am not talkative enough.
4. I am not open enough.
5. I am not godly enough.
6. I am not around guys my age enough.
7. I am not womanly enough.
8. I don't do enough.
9. I don't serve in my church enough.
Is anyone else counting?
The reasons for my singleness keep growing. Year by year.
Is this my fault?
I know that difficult circumstances are meant to bring us closer to God and are not punishments. But I know that on this earth I still face consequences for my sin.
So is my singleness my fault?
10. My leadership skills haven't grown enough.
11. My cooking skills haven't been practiced enough.
12. My style hasn't been fashionable enough.
13. My knowledge of the Bible hasn't expanded enough.
14. My mothering skills haven't been stretched enough.
15. My life hasn't been transformed to be like Jesus' enough.
My age hurts.
The truth in the potential reasons for my singleness hurts, too.
And yet maybe those reasons don't matter. Maybe it doesn't even matter if they are true.
I am always looking at myself.
The reasons why I am unworthy to be a child of God are infinitely longer. But God does not look at them anymore.
Maybe Jesus doesn't care about all the reasons why I am single either.
Though the reasons why are like scarlet, He has made them white as snow.
So I look up from myself, at the reasons why, and look at Jesus.
"He has delivered us from the domain of darkness
and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son,
in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."
Colossians 1:13-14
"For I will be merciful toward their iniquities,
and I will remember their sins no more."
Hebrews 8:12
