Where I've Been Hiding

 It has been far too long, friends.

 But life gets in the way of blogging sometimes. 

 This is a story about my singleness and why I have been away for so long.

 I have dreamed about getting an MFA (Master of Fine Arts) in Writing for a while now. The idea started in college with one of my writing professors who loved sharing about her MFA experience. She would tell stories in class about her time in her low residency graduate program- the workshops, her writing pals, the book manuscript she wrote. 

 I remembered her words, noticed how they stirred longings in me, wondered if it would be everything I had wanted for college but was not receiving. Yet even in my last year of college I knew grad school could not happen right away.

 The summer after graduation I was burnt out, lost, afraid, in debt, and jobless. Though far more appealing than the minimum wage and zero experience required jobs I started applying for, grad school was not practical. And saddled with so much debt from undergrad, I could not justify borrowing even more money before I had paid back what I had first borrowed.

 I also had bigger dreams. Dreams of marriage and children that were more important than my writing dreams. I thought school would get in the way. And an MFA is not necessary to be an author. I told myself that grad school would be Plan B. Like the cheesy and cliche "We'll marry each other if neither of us are married by thirty" romance trope, I decided that if I was still unmarried in ten or fifteen years, I would go back to school and get my MFA. If I couldn't have a family I would at least have a Masters degree.

 Time passed. I lived a lot of life in three short years. I was close to paying off my undergrad debt. And there were still no worthy men in my life. Restless and unhappy in my chocolate factory job, I began to reconsider grad school and pursuing my writing dreams, but still with hesitation. Grad school is a huge investment of time, energy, and money, and something I did not want to enter lightly. But also, in the back of my head, it was still "Plan B"-- the path that felt inferior to my original dreams for a family. It still felt like if I pursued an MFA I was metaphorically giving up on any man ever taking notice of me, like I was forever closing the door on that dream.

 January 2018, the Vermont College of Fine Arts announced that they were accepting free writing critiques. I submitted my work with fear and hope, telling myself that I could not pass up this opportunity to hear a published author's opinion on my story. Now I know I was just looking for an excuse to begin the application process. They gave me my twenty pages back with notes, suggestions, and an invitation to apply.

 Exactly a year later, after a year of thinking, weighing the pros and cons, and having paid off all my undergrad debt, I applied and got accepted to their Writing for Children and Young Adults program. I started school in July, 2019, and am loving every minute of my crazy schedule.

 I have read so many times that my life cannot be on hold in my unwanted singleness. It would be wrong of me to sit dormant, lifeless, and useless simply because I am unmarried. That is never what Jesus would want of me, and I cannot and will not waste my life pining for what could not be. Yet it is still hard to continually uncurl my hand and let God take one more thing, one more dream, one more desire.

 Praise God that this release gave me something back. Because friends, I have been hiding in new knowledge, and words, and connections, and drive, and the joy of beginning to hear the music and meaning of poetry that before had been closed to me. Blessings I would never know if I hadn't unclasped my hands.