Tuesday, July 14, 2015

The Forgotten Flower


 I can't explain certain days.

 In a wave the loneliness floods me.

 Like the waves of the ocean retreating, I know it will come back.

 So why am I always surprised when it does?

 I have nightmares of drowning in total darkness, and when I wake up I am facing my worst fear, the blackness so thick I grab handfuls of it, but I can never grab enough to get back to the light.

 Often, it feels like my singleness is the darkness.

 When did I start living my worst nightmare?

 Was it when I suddenly realized I was old enough to have it but I didn't have it?

 Was it when engagements and marriages began happening to couples younger and the same age as me and I have never even been asked out before?

 Was it when I turned 21?

 Was it when I realized that all of the names I picked out for my future children may only come alive through characters in my novels?

 Micah.

 Aleah Grace.

 Judah.

 Mercy.

 I can't explain certain days.

 I don't remember being a beautiful flower picked only to be dropped onto a rock to wither and die.

 But even that flower had a purpose- to be the focus of my camera lens, to be of comfort to me, to shrivel there and die forgotten by everyone.

 But God saw that flower.

 He sees me.

 He sees my darkness.

 He sees my waves of loneliness.

 I can't explain certain days like, today.

Where I feel like a forgotten, withering flower but somehow in that despair am given hope.

I fall asleep in darkness, but I am a princess.

I am fading in the sun on a rock, but I will someday be part of a grand bouquet for my King.

                                                                                                           
                                                           

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